zombies1 CDC Says Zombies Not Real

The CDC has officially stated that zombies do not exist, after a string of bizarre and gruesome news stories captured the popular imagination.

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) issued an official statement over the weekend in response to several gruesome attacks and incidents of cannibalism in the past week. In the statement, the CDC officially denied the existence of zombies in an attempt to calm the hysteria over a coming “zombie apocalypse.”

According to a report published by the Huffington Post, David Daigle, a spokesman for the CDC, said that the CDC “does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms).”

The attack in Miami that stirred up the zombie fears isn’t the only zombie-like attack in recent news, however. In Canada, Luka Rocco Magnotta, an adult-film actor, murdered a man with an ice pick before eating the corpse. In Maryland, a 21-year-old college student admitted that he had dismembered his roommate before eating his heart and brain.

Gawker is also reporting that health officials and hazmat teams have so far been unable to identify the source of what is being called a “mysterious rash” breaking out over various parts of Florida. In one reported incident, a 41-year-old man with the rash named Zachary Bird went on a rampage after he was pulled over by police officers, spitting blood into one trooper’s eyes and banging his head on the officer’s cruiser several times. In a bid for understatement of the year, the police report described his demeanor as “extremely agitated and enraged.”

For some, the CDC report should offer comfort. Others will worry about the phrase “does not know of,” though we would like to stress that zombies as understood in popular culture are a work of fiction. The CDC is the foremost knowledge on diseases and mental conditions, and if they say say that it’s not zombies, that’s good enough for this writer.

As of this writing, “zombie apocalypse” ranks as the 19th most popular search term on Google, though it peaked over the weekend at number 3 on the list.